DADDY?

QUERY: DADDY?

To maintain the sanity of you, the reader, a majority of this conversation has been omitted. I think its better off that way - for all of us. You can grasp the general direction of the conversation based solely on this snippet. Bear in mind, this went on for about 7 minutes.

Info Seeker: HATE TO SEE AN OL DUDE ON DA NEWS FO OVERDOSE ON VIAGRA
Info Seeker: U KNOW WUT
Guide: Please stop typing in caps.

-7 minutes. I don't know why I didn't ban him immediately. Who knows, maybe the $10/hr I make had something to do with it.

Info Seeker: FUKKKKKKKKKK U POPZ...N FUKKKKKKKKK CHA CHA...
Info Seeker: NOW SLIDE TO DA LEFT
Guide: Please stop using caps.
Info Seeker: NO FUKKKKKKKKK U
Guide: This will be your last warning. Please stop using caps.
Info Seeker: I CAN USE CAPSSSS IF I WANNA
Guide: You are right.
Guide: AND I CAN BANNNN YOU IF I WANNA!!!!!
Info Seeker was reported for Guide Abuse.
Info Seeker had his Caps Lock button forcibly removed from his computer.

This was really out of character for me. I don't know... something about that money just makes me act crazy. As if I were actually adhering to some kind of.. STANDARDS!

Scalar Weapons

QUERY: Scalar Weapons

Hmm... I've never even heard of this. Maybe I can actually LEARN something from a search - something I previously thought impossible! Perhaps this one will be different... yeah. This will be the one. The one search that reaffirms my faith in the human race.

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Info Seeker: hello
Guide: Hello!
Guide: What do you want to know about scalar weapons?
Info Seeker: everything
Info Seeker: what they do, how they do it, who they were made by, everything and all!
Info Seeker: I feel I have been used by these so called scalar weapons
Guide: "Used" you say? Can you explain?
Info Seeker: yes
Guide: I don't know much about this topic.
Info Seeker: ever done any research on them?
Guide: No.
Guide: I don't know what they are.
Info Seeker: *whispers* they are capable of mind control

-I guess my faith in the human race will remain unaffirmed. Is unaffirmed even a word?

Guide: Oh my...
Guide: On occassion, I have felt as if I were under mind control as well!
Info Seeker: yes..they are very interesting you should take a look into them
Info Seeker: mind control is very evil...so is tampering with the weather
Guide: Yes... I agree. But I doubt the Russians would.
Info Seeker: they wouldnt, theyre the ones developing the technology
Guide: It all makes sense now...
Guide: That time I coated myself in chicken fat and stood out on Route 53... I knew that wasn't my idea!
Info Seeker: thats sumthing theyd do
Info Seeker: ive also been abducting by aliens, i have the microbes to prove it
Guide: Snd pix plz.
Info Seeker: don't have any but im seriosu
Guide: I totally believe you. My dad knew a guy who had a cousin who's friend was the veterinarian of a guy who's grandpa's stepson's dog was once owned by this guy who raped a guy who WAS THERE WHEN THE ROSWELL SPACE SHIP CRASHED. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Info Seeker: im suprised he isnt dead, to be honest
Info Seeker: the government does this kind of stuff all the time
Guide: Well he died in an ice skating accident.
Guide: But wait... come to think of it, he was always such a good skater!
Guide: Do you think...?
Info Seeker: if he knew what you say he knew, probably
Guide: I...
Guide: I'm speechless.

I really was. I couldn't think of how to progress with the joke, so I banned him. What? He was being abusive!

Question for a Guide

QUERY: i have a question for any guide

Strange search... Maybe I'll have some fun.

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Guide: Go for it, any question you want.
Info Seeker: hey
Info Seeker: do people mess around with guides a lot?

-Opportunity knocks!

Guide: I don't know. Want to help me find out?
Info Seeker: how can i help with that?
Guide: I've been planning a sting operation.
Info Seeker: how would this go about
Guide: You can't tell anyone this, but I'm actually the CFO of ChaCha.
Info Seeker: what is that?
Guide: I hear pranks are becoming a series issue.
Guide: And I need to see for myself.
Info Seeker: oh, i understand
Guide: Are you willing to help?
Info Seeker: absolutely
Guide: Great.

-Let the fun commence.

Guide: Okay, this is a complex operation, but I think you're capable.
Info Seeker: Thanks
Guide provides link ChaCha
Guide: Here's the ChaCha main site.
Guide: I need you to open it in another window.
Info Seeker: ok
Info Seeker: im there
Guide: I need you to query the guide for "one divided by zero."
Info Seeker: is it ok if i use digits?
Guide: No.
Info Seeker: ok
Guide: This should gain you entry to the secret robot guide.
Guide: It will appear to be a human, but it's not.
Info Seeker: it is searching
Guide: What is the name of the "guide" you were connected to?
Info Seeker: before i continue, could this get me in any sort of trouble with the law
Guide: No, of course not.
Info Seeker: His name is XXXXX
Guide: Perfect.
Guide: I want you to give him the instruction: "nerf paged 0 thru 4 endline"
Guide: Exactly as I typed it there.
Guide: This should issue me the proper reports.
Info Seeker: i copied and pasted
Guide: Tell me how he responds. He will respond in code.
Info Seeker: it transferred me.
Guide: Perfect.
Guide: Repeat the same message to the new robot.
Guide: You're doing great.
Info Seeker: thanks
Guide: I really appreciate this.
Guide: Repost it again.
Info Seeker: don't worry
Info Seeker: ok
Guide: You may have to say it numerous times for "XXXXX" to recognize you.
Info Seeker: ok
Guide: Tell me what "her" reaction is.
Info Seeker: "I don't understand what it is you need help with."
Guide: Okay good.
Guide: You've reached the main sub-menu.
Guide: Tell her, just like this:
Guide: "Robot, I would like Issue Report 15B."
Info Seeker: without quotes, right?
Guide: Yes.
Info Seeker: done
Guide: How did "she" respond?
Info Seeker: "If there isn't anything that you need help with I will be forced to end the session or transfer you to someone else."
Guide: Perfect!
Guide: Now just say "Give me the requested results number 124!"
Guide: Sometimes their internal personality chips act up.
Guide: This should be the last command, then I'll have my reports.
Info Seeker: it ended the session, im sorry
Info Seeker: "Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha. Status: Session ended."
Guide: Well done.
Guide: I have the reports right here.
Guide: Thank you very much!
Info Seeker: no problem
Info Seeker: gnight!
Guide: Wait.
Info Seeker: yes?
Guide: Here's the part where I hope you have a good sense of humor...
Info Seeker: ok what
Guide: This was all a joke... I hope you don't mind. I get very bored.
Info Seeker: rofl
Info Seeker: im seriously laughing dude

I'm so thankful this guy has a sense of humor. What a good sport. I wish people were more like him.

Dave Benson Phillips is Following Me

QUERY: how to tell if dave benson phillips is following you

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Info Seeker: hi
Guide: Hello!
Guide: That guy?
Info Seeker: i'm worried i might be targeted for assassination by dave benson phillips
Guide: He leaves a trail a mile long.
Guide: Listen... look behind you. Is he there?
Info Seeker: no he's not that stupid
Info Seeker: he will be hiding
Guide: Of course he's not.
Guide: I'm trying to talk you through finding him.
Info Seeker: ok
Guide: Do you see any light sources behind you?
Info Seeker: yes
Info Seeker: do you think it's dave benson phillips?
Guide: I don't know, thats usually a sign of his work.
Guide: He only travels by artificial light.
Info Seeker: how should i avoid him
Info Seeker: do you think dave benson phillips fears fire?
Guide: I need you to prepare artichokes.
Guide: No! He 's drawn to it!!!
Info Seeker: how many artichokes?
Guide: (This book may prove helpful) (Links a book)
Info Seeker: thanks
Guide: 19
Info Seeker: ok there's a problem
Guide: Of course there may be!
Info Seeker: i only have 18 artichokes available
Guide: The lizards!
Info Seeker: are the lizards working with dave benson phillips or against him?
Guide: Hmm...
Guide: With him. He speaks to them while they dream.
Info Seeker: what does he say?
Guide: How would I know?
Info Seeker: i don't know. are you dave benson phillips?
Guide: ...
Guide: No..
Guide: Of course... not...
Info Seeker: do you promise?
Guide: Sure.
Guide: Just put on the artichokes so the lizards can smell you.
Info Seeker: has dave benson phillips ever got his own back on you?
Guide: One day... I turn around.
Guide: And i see THIS.

Guide: Just staring me in the face.
Info Seeker: oh man
Info Seeker: what did you do?
Guide: I ran.
Guide: I ran for hours... And then...
Info Seeker: did he follow you?
Guide: I just dont want to talk about it right now.
Info Seeker: i understand i'm in a similar situation
Guide: Are the artichokes boiling?
Info Seeker: how do you tell?
Guide: Hold on.
Guide: That should be sufficient.
Info Seeker: listen i think dave benson phillips is on to me
Info Seeker: i need to shut off all lines of communication
Guide: He's on to everyone... god dam it.
Guide: Good luck kid.
Info Seeker: thanks for your help, i hope i don't get gunged
Guide: Me too... me too.
Guide: Good luck.
Guide: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.

Hopefully that turned out well for him.