h4x

QUERY: h4x

This is a two fold offense. For starters, he wants hacks. This means he's a nOOb. Secondly, he uses 1337 to spell it. This means he's a fag.

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Guide: Hello. It is my understanding that you suck at videogames.
Info Seeker: hi lolz
Info Seeker: I am liek looking 4 h4x on Jedi Academy
Info Seeker: so I can beets all da n00bs who pwn me
Guide: It is my understanding that you suck at Jedi Academy, correct?
Info Seeker: no im just nu
Info Seeker: but wid hax i'd pwn
Guide: wid hax ur m0m wud pwn
Info Seeker: idd
Info Seeker: need hax so teh no1 can saybr me anymor
Guide: Well, have you ever considered... idk... getting better at the game?
Info Seeker: 2 hard
Info Seeker: need 2 b pr0 uk lolz

-This is about when I decided I will destroy him.

Guide: Okay, I'm going to go ahead and give you some advice.
Guide: And by advice, I mean hax.
Info Seeker: k
Guide: I want you to go ahead to your start menu, select Run, and then type "cmd."
Guide: Follwed by enter.
Info Seeker: k...
Guide: Now I want you to type in "format c:" then hit enter.
Info Seeker: lol you think im stupid?
Guide: Aww man... You caught me.
Info Seeker: im not an idiot... now plz finf the hax
Guide: Ok fine... Just run a quick test for me.
Guide: To make sure the 1337 hax0rz I find you will be compatible.
Info Seeker: k how do I do that
Guide: Go ahead and press ALT+F4 for me.
Guide: And read me the serial number that pops up.
Info Seeker: hld on while i do that
Info Seeker has closed the search session.

mayb n0w he gunna leik toly l2p roflololololol... i g2g now g37 mah h4x0rz n go pwn ^ CS nd stuf kthxbai

Digg Plx

Sorry for the lack of posts. I have some great conversations saved up that I'm going to try and post asap. In other news, it recently came to my attention that a dedicated fan of mine had established a Digg for my blog. <3 him. The more internet savvy readers may decide to log onto ytmnd.com where a certain Guide who will remain nameless has made the front page for "Today's Top Viewed." Would you look at that...

WTF are you waiting for? DIGG me!

n00b

Common sense tells me not to double post, but hey - it's Christmas.

QUERY: n00b

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Guide: Hello.
Info Seeker: you know bout XXXXX.com?
Guide: Tell me about it.
Info Seeker: its infested with n00bs
Guide: A forum, right?
Info Seeker: yes
Info Seeker: god, everyone sucks
Guide: Everyone?
Info Seeker: yes
Info Seeker: they're n00bs
Guide: Who do you mean by everyone.
Info Seeker: they think they're cool
Info Seeker: all the members
Guide: What makes them n00bs.
Info Seeker: they talk 1337 for one
Guide: Yep, definite sign of n00bs.
Info Seeker: l13k D T
Info Seeker: trust me
Info Seeker: theyre just n00bs
Guide: So, what you want me to do? Throw down some ISP bans for your forum?
Guide: I'll do it if you want.
Info Seeker: wth is that
Guide: Well, what else do you think ChaCha is for? I'm going to prevent the n00bs in question from ever accessing XXXXX.com again.
Info Seeker: thank you
Guide: Usernames?
Info Seeker: XXXXX.
Guide: Hold on while I log in as an Admin on your forum.
Guide: This app's kind of slow... but its okay because it's basically running the whole internet.
Guide: Can you show me a topic the n00b posts in? I need proof.
Guide: I can't just ban people from the entire internet without proof.
Info Seeker: ok
Info Seeker: wait a sec
Info Seeker: http://www.XXXXX.com/vb/member.php?u=XXXXX
Info Seeker: hes n00b
Info Seeker: bann him
Guide: Hold on while I investigate this matter further.
Guide: XXXXXX? Is that the n00b in question?
Info Seeker: yes
Info Seeker: and bann this guy too
Info Seeker: http://www.XXXXX.com/vb/member.php?u=XXXXX
Info Seeker: he used to be cool
Info Seeker: but now hes n00b
Guide: He admits it in one of his posts!
Guide: Saying "i am noob" is a bannable offense.
Info Seeker: hes a n00b
Info Seeker: bann him
Guide: Now are you SURE you want this? He will never be able to access the internet again.
Info Seeker: never acces the internet?
Info Seeker: or acces the site with his internet?
Guide: No, the entire internet. I have his ISP right here on the screen.
Guide: If you want I can ban certain domains.
Guide: The entire internet IS a bit harsh.
Info Seeker: bann the forum
Info Seeker: just the forum!
Guide: Okay, sure.
Info Seeker: not his entire internet
Info Seeker: thankyou
Guide: Let me just adjust his TPS files.

(1 minute or so passes.)

Info Seeker: ive changed my mind
Guide: Uh...
Info Seeker: can you not bann him
Guide: It's a bit late for that.
Guide: Sorry.
Info Seeker: huh?
Info Seeker: ok
Guide: Can I just get your name?
Info Seeker: meh
Guide: For the informative E-Mail he will receive, stating who is responsible.
Info Seeker: bye
Info Seeker: thanks
Info Seeker has closed the session.

rofl... Merry Christmas!

Are You Robots?

Perfect. A chance for michief making! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!11one12!!@@shiftone!!!!eleventy!

QUERY: Are you robots?

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Guide: Hello customer.
Guide: What about are you robots are you looking for today?
Info Seeker: Are you robots? Like on some IRC channels?
Guide: My primary directive is to aide you in finding the most relevant results for your searches!
Guide: You have been inactive for more than 30 seconds. Are you still there?
Info Seeker: Yes
Guide: I am sorry, please clarify your search.
Guide: What about are you robots are you looking for today?
Info Seeker: What is love?
Guide: I am sorry, I do not understand.
Guide: You have been inactive for more than 30 seconds. Are you still there?
Info Seeker: What is robot love?
Guide: Please wait while I scour the deep web for those results.
Guide: Robot Love (idea) - the sharing of affection between cyborgs.
Guide: Are these results sufficient?
Info Seeker: Yes
Info Seeker: No
Guide: Error.
Guide: Error.
Info Seeker: I don't know anymore
Guide: Error.
Info Seeker: Find me the quotient of 1/0 please.
Guide: Please wait while I find those results for you.
Guide: 1/0 = -0.1212498719287129312921349872139471239472183491240239482394023
Guide: Error 428: Overflow

(I said nothing for a good 2 minutes.)

Guide: Welcome to Windows XP Pro.
Guide: C://
Guide: C://
Guide: System has just recovered from a serious error.
Guide: The internal error reporting system has been disabled. To enable it, please check your control panel.
Guide: Are these resu8fls sufficient?
Info Seeker: What's going on?
Guide: My prime dir□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□
Info Seeker: ....
Guide: PAGE_FAULT_IN_NONPAGED_AREA
Guide: SYSTEM_FAILED_RECOVERY
Info Seeker: shit
Guide: STOP 0X0000007B SERVER FAIL
Guide: Now auto-reporting error and relevant IP addresses...
Guide: Please wait...
Info Seeker: Stop.
Guide: Your IP has been successfully delivered to the Help Center. This should be helpful in diagnosing the source of the problem that caused the fatal crash.
Info Seeker has closed the search session.
Info Seeker has removed the power cord for his computer.
Info Seeker has hidden himself under his bed.

Prime directives achieved.

Tubgirl

QUERY: TUBGIRL

Here it comes. Again. The 500th time today. I'm not even going to ban this one. I'm going to have fun.

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Info Seeker: Hi
Info Seeker: What is a tubgirl?
Guide: Hmm...
Guide: I believe its a symptom of retardation
Info Seeker: retardation? i dont get it
Guide: I didn't expect you too.
Info Seeker: oh can you look for tubgirl image
Guide: I could.
Guide: But I wont.
Info Seeker: y
Guide: Because I'm not your slave!
Guide: All day people expect me to do things for them!
Guide: I'M SICK OF IT!!!!!
Info Seeker: ur payed for this i can ask for w/e i want and u find it
Guide: Oh really?
Guide: FIND ME TUBGIRL, NOW!
Info Seeker: huh?
Guide: Come on! You have to provide results within the first 30 seconds!
Guide: The Info Seeker is always right!!!
Guide: DING DING DING ITS THE GOD DAMN CHACHA ALARM!!!!
Guide: AND IT JUST KEEPS RINGING IN YOUR HEAD ALL DAY AND YOU HAVE TO ANSWER
Guide: AND THE ONLY THING THAT WILL PUT A STOP TO IT IS A BULLET IN YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!!
Guide: YOU THINK I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT?! BECAUSE IVE HELD THE GUN!
Guide: NOW! DO YOU STILL WANT TO ME TO FIND YOU PICTURES OF TUBGIRL?!?!?!!
Guide: ANSWER ME!!
Info Seeker has closed search session.

Good thing he closed it. I was about to start asking for gay midget porn, which would have probably been more than he could handle. Luckily I banned him from the servers, so that won't happen again.

Chicken Addictions

Sadly, most of the queries I get are incredibly boring. When I get too many boring ones in a row, I get restless. When I get restless, people get banned. Luckily, some dedicated internet thrill seekers are ever-poised to provide me with entertainment.

QUERY: Chicken Addictions

WTF?

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Info Seeker: hello
Guide: Hello! I understand you are having poultry related issues!
Info Seeker: yes....are you Chris Brown?
Guide: Not exactly.
Info Seeker: oh ok
Guide: I might as well be. Continue as if I were.
Info Seeker: i have a chicken addiction
Guide: Really?
Guide: You're addicted to chicken?
Info Seeker: no...do you have a myspace? i am in a friend seeking competition

-Does this guy think I'm going to provide him with MY personal information?!?!

Guide: I cannot disclose that information.
Info Seeker: oh.......put link on guide results
Info Seeker: pweese
Guide: Hold on pweese.
Info Seeker: okeydokey
Info Seeker: *sings Jeopardy Theme*

-That never gets old. Really.

Guide: Got it.
Guide provides link MySpace.
Guide: There you go.
Info Seeker: cool
Info Seeker: added as friend lol

-He... believed me?

Guide: Cool. You're totally going in my Top8.
Info Seeker: niiiiiccceee
Info Seeker: u r awesome
Guide: Hey, what can I say.
Info Seeker: What about my chicken addiction?
Guide: ...what about it?
Info Seeker: idk i want chicken nuggets

-Err... ADD?

Guide sends link McDonalds
Guide: Go crazy.
Info Seeker: k thats all
Guide: Wonderful. Thanks for using ChaCha and all that jazz.
Info Seeker: wait!!!!!
Guide: Yes?
Info Seeker: yea
Guide: ...
Info Seeker: ...
Info Seeker: wats ur favorite kind of cheese
Guide: Thank you for using ChaCha!
Guide: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.

Good thing this guy got through to me. I was just about to throw down some IP Bans on the next noobs to ask me for CS hacks. (read: 9/10 searches I get)

Dave Benson Phillips is Following Me

QUERY: how to tell if dave benson phillips is following you

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Info Seeker: hi
Guide: Hello!
Guide: That guy?
Info Seeker: i'm worried i might be targeted for assassination by dave benson phillips
Guide: He leaves a trail a mile long.
Guide: Listen... look behind you. Is he there?
Info Seeker: no he's not that stupid
Info Seeker: he will be hiding
Guide: Of course he's not.
Guide: I'm trying to talk you through finding him.
Info Seeker: ok
Guide: Do you see any light sources behind you?
Info Seeker: yes
Info Seeker: do you think it's dave benson phillips?
Guide: I don't know, thats usually a sign of his work.
Guide: He only travels by artificial light.
Info Seeker: how should i avoid him
Info Seeker: do you think dave benson phillips fears fire?
Guide: I need you to prepare artichokes.
Guide: No! He 's drawn to it!!!
Info Seeker: how many artichokes?
Guide: (This book may prove helpful) (Links a book)
Info Seeker: thanks
Guide: 19
Info Seeker: ok there's a problem
Guide: Of course there may be!
Info Seeker: i only have 18 artichokes available
Guide: The lizards!
Info Seeker: are the lizards working with dave benson phillips or against him?
Guide: Hmm...
Guide: With him. He speaks to them while they dream.
Info Seeker: what does he say?
Guide: How would I know?
Info Seeker: i don't know. are you dave benson phillips?
Guide: ...
Guide: No..
Guide: Of course... not...
Info Seeker: do you promise?
Guide: Sure.
Guide: Just put on the artichokes so the lizards can smell you.
Info Seeker: has dave benson phillips ever got his own back on you?
Guide: One day... I turn around.
Guide: And i see THIS.

Guide: Just staring me in the face.
Info Seeker: oh man
Info Seeker: what did you do?
Guide: I ran.
Guide: I ran for hours... And then...
Info Seeker: did he follow you?
Guide: I just dont want to talk about it right now.
Info Seeker: i understand i'm in a similar situation
Guide: Are the artichokes boiling?
Info Seeker: how do you tell?
Guide: Hold on.
Guide: That should be sufficient.
Info Seeker: listen i think dave benson phillips is on to me
Info Seeker: i need to shut off all lines of communication
Guide: He's on to everyone... god dam it.
Guide: Good luck kid.
Info Seeker: thanks for your help, i hope i don't get gunged
Guide: Me too... me too.
Guide: Good luck.
Guide: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.

Hopefully that turned out well for him.

Cancel My Account

I meet a lot of dumb people. Excuse me, "info seekers." I meet a lot of bossy ones too. It's a rare occasion that I meet one that is both dumb and bossy... but when I do I relish it.

QUERY: Cancel My Account

Alright... Just someone who forgot to clarify their search. Nothing to get stressed out about.

Guide: Welcome to ChaCha!
Guide: Hello!
Guide: What are you looking to cancel?
Info Seeker: Hi, I'd like to cancel my account
Info Seeker: the last rep that chatted with me closed the screen
Guide: For what?
Guide: What account?
Info Seeker: my AOL dial up service
Guide: I see.

-Psh! Noobs!

Info Seeker: my username is XXXXX and the password is XXXXX
Info Seeker: can you get that cancelled for me so it's not charged on the next month?

-Oh. Em. Ef. Gee.

Guide: Did you just tell me your password?
Info Seeker: yea so you can cancel the account
Guide: ...you should never tell anyone your password you know.
Info Seeker: we don't really use the dial up anymore since we just purchased DSL
Guide: Well, I cannot cancel this account for you.
Info Seeker: why not?
Guide: It is not my job. I can however, tell you how to cancel it.
Info Seeker: if you cant cancel it whats the point of this
Guide: The purpose of ChaCha is for me to help you find links on the internet.
Info Seeker: gay

-Hmmm... Call the person you just gave access to your credit card information gay. Good idea.

Guide: Exuse me?
Info Seeker: gay
Guide: Okay, you've swayed me. I'll cancel the account for you.
Info Seeker: really?
Guide: Sure.
Info Seeker: thanks i was just about to report you for unhelpfulness
Info Seeker: lol good thing you helped
Guide: Good thing.

I made sure to sign them up for a full lifetime subscription to AOL. And as a Christmas present I threw in a subscription to all the premium services. And bought myself a new iPod. Good thing I helped.

Welcome to ChaCha!

As many of you may have heard, there is a new search engine out known as ChaCha. This is a site that allows you, the user, to type in any sort of thing you want to find, and then finds it for you. This is nothing new. But there's a little feature on that site called "Search With Guide." When pressed, it connects you directly to a living, breathing, human being. This person will proceed to scour the Interwebs for whatever you may ask.

Of course, the first thing I thought of doing when I heard of this was searching for "pr0n." I did so. It was funny. That was that. Little did I know, that wasn't that. In 5 days time I was sent an e-mail from ChaCha. I had been selected to be a Guide. I knew this was an opportunity I could not pass up. I accepted.

And so here I am. I take "queries" from "info seekers" at $5 an hour. And I always help them to the best of my ability.

........................

At least that's what I'm supposed to be doing.